My Desperate Cry

Not so very long ago, my mom and I seemed to be in two different worlds that every now and then would clash leaving behind scars so deep it took years to fade. Both pride dominated, we had a very hard time understanding each other. I made my share of mistakes, she made hers. I even came to the point of rebellion... But now, things have mellowed and I guess, time started healing the wounds and the scars brought about by the past. Although there were still indifferences, but we tried our best to work on it. After all, family is eternal.

This next blog was written on December 30, 2007 at 12:35 a.m. when I was still on the period of my rebellion. All the hurts and hatred, the disappointment and frustrations, all the blames were poured down here. Strong words were used to justify the emotion it contained.


"Am I that hard to love and understand?" - a question that just keeps on reverberating in my mind. You see, I once had a very happy childhood. We were a picture of a happy family. Of course, there were trying times but we outwitted all of them with smiling faces. Until one man entered the scene and messed up not only our relationship as a family, but my entire life as well...

When I first met Mr. Long-Forgotten Past (his real name I couldn't bear to speak), I thought he was simply perfect for me. I was blinded by, at that time, what I called "love". But as I got to know him, and when I started to open my eyes, I saw the demon hidden beneath the facet of a soft-spoken and kind-hearted man. Trying to get rid of his dangerous claws that were already clasping me with a grip that won't even allow me to breath, I broke up with the relationship that I now considered a prison cell.

I thought that that was the end of all my agonies; only to be shackled by what he could possibly do just to win me back. I don't know how he did it, but he got my mother into a conspiracy of finding ways for me to get back to him. He explained it was just because of "love"; but I'd prefer to call it "obsession". And the person I once considered my "bestest (if ever that word exists) best friend" now became my worst enemy - my mother. I pleaded her not to meddle with my feelings, but she remained deaf. When I fell in love with someone else and was willing to fight for that love, she interfered until we have no other choice left but to give up. I defended myself and aired out my grievances but the only person she would listen to was the demon she was working with!

Furious by all these things, I rebelled! I threw away my image of a sweet, innocent gal. I went to different discos and parties, drank insatiably until my knees felt like jellies, cursed and fought with whomever I want to, and dated several men that I know she would surely detest. I even came to the point of neglecting my studies and made several suicidal attempts. And whenever she would send someone to scold me or force me to be with the person that I no longer love, only ablaze my rage and determination to do whatever it is that she doesn't want me to do.

Everyday, I wore a mask and pretended that I am unaffected by all the issues she was throwing against me. Imagine, my own mom humiliating and criticizing me to so many people?! Saying straight to my face that the only person I'm bound to be with for the rest of my life is that long-forgotten past! Her words stabbed me like a newly-bought knife, over and over again, but did I ever show her I was weak? No! I wouldn't give her the satisfaction of seeing me affected as the end-result of everything. Only my pillows, the ceiling, and the walls of the comfort room know everything. Only these things saw the tears I've been hiding from so many people, and the sobs I so-long suppressed. I'm human, after all.

But one day, I got so tired that it made me numb. She had done everything, every possible way that would ruin me and make me crawl back to whom she wants me to be. She even poisoned my younger siblings' mind and turned them against me; and, much to my dismay, won the sympathy of countless people who never got the chance to hear my side of the story but deliberately threw their judgments at me. I wanted to yell to their faces the real truth but before I could even utter a word, they would stare at me and say, "You really are promiscuous!" How could I ever prove to them that I am not what my mother have been telling them if they won't even give me a single chance?! I'm different! But damn, these words remained unspoken...

Until this very day, I'm still acting numb. All the "why's" I kept at the back of my mind. I guess I got used to all her criticisms and weird actuation. I already taught myself to see her as a stranger and not my own mother; for that person died the very day she conspired with that devil incarnate into man. I guess I'm just too fed up that I can no longer find it in my heart to forgive both of them.

But as I recall the good times we once had, I would feel emotionally torn apart, from head to toe, as bullets of tears silently run down my face, stinging the every existence of my body. How I wish and what I would give just for those memories to remain as they were - untainted. But now, with tears choking me up, passing for my breath trying to keep it all in only to realize that I can't! I can't hold it and I can't hide no more! With the past haunting me and the future circling around me, with its uncertainties dizzying me, all I want is for her to hear my desperate cry. Am I that hard to love and understand?! Why did you change right before my very eyes and became someone I no longer knew?! Why did you leave me and turned your back on me when I needed you most?!...

The Stupidest Ampalaya with Egg Mistake!

Ever made a stupid mistake when you were cooking a viand? I mean, by stupid, is forgetting something that will really spoil the whole dish. Ever experienced that? And the frustration that readily follows? Argh! I did. That's why although I opt to write here romantically-inclined stuffs, I preferred to share this one annoying, but quite funny, experience.

You see, being anemic (perhaps brought by my pregnancy) and having heard stuffs that ampalaya (in english 'bitter gourd') helps anemia, I told my hubby that I wanted to have ampalaya with eggs. So, we bought the ingredients and while walking home, I was refreshing in my mind the steps in cooking such. I am not a good cook, I admit. Truth be told, my husband cooks way better off than me. As in a zillion times better. But then, I wanted to share some of the work so I told myself, and him, that maybe I can help prepare it while he's still cooking rice. Boasting about the right steps in the preparation, thinking I can really do it, we both agreed to the idea.

And so, I busied myself first with the spices - crushing the garlic, peeling the onion, and slicing the tomatoes. I felt good about what I was doing and I remembered him telling me that for the best results, especially when it comes to cooking, add some love. I concentrated despite the tear-stained eyes (blame the onion for making me cry). And then I beat the eggs and mixed them with Magic Sarap. Just when I was finished slicing the ampalaya to its desired sizes and rinsing it with water, my hubby came to check the 'progress' of my work. Hesitantly, I asked him the amount of salt to wash with the ampalaya. You see, in order for the ampalaya not to be too bitter, you must mix it with salt until such time that its juice comes off. That juice is then discarded because it carries the bitter taste. Smiling, he told me I can mix a handful of salt. And so I did. After discarding the juice, I then called out to him and said I was already finished. He then took all that I had prepared and went on to cook another masterpiece.

Waiting for him to be finished, I started browsing the net, feeling good about myself. It was actually my first time to prepare such. When he finally called me out for lunch, I hastily jumped off the bed and was excited to see the result. Of course, part of the hard work was mine. But then, my excitement (and a bit rumbling of the stomach) faded when I saw the look on his face. Something's wrong, I know for sure. I asked him and in answer, he let me taste the viand. My face twisted when it was too salty. And then it hit me. I forgot to rinse it with water after soaking it with salt! Stupid of me! Due to too much excitement about the idea that I was actually preparing it, I completely forgot that some of the salt granules do not melt and it stick with the ampalaya. That's why rinsing it with water afterward is a must. Seeing my reaction, my husband couldn't help but laugh while asking,"Kalimot ka'g waswas sa tubig noh? (You forgot to rinse it with water?)" And I can only laugh along with him to ease up the frustration building inside me. I totally blew it! Sensing I was starting to get agitated eventhough I was smiling, hubby hugged me and said, it can still be eaten; although we would really look like having some diet.

The truth? I think only less than 10 slices were eaten. Up to this moment, the poor ampalaya with egg remained in its container. Huh! Such an experience. But it sure taught me well. I'd better watch out the next time I volunteer. =)

45 Painful Things

This isn't totally mine. A friend of mine sent me this stuff I guess 2 years ago. Upon browsing my notes, I happen to read it again. Touched, as I had been the first time I read it, I decided to post it here, just wanting to share to the readers 45 painful things in life...


1. Flashing your smile to someone you don't want to see
2. Bringing back the feeling you've learned to forget
3. Showing that you care
4. Finding a way to mend a broken heart
5. Learning that you've been used by someone you truly love
6. Saying 'I Love You' when you mean it and when you don't
7. Letting go of a person you've just learned to love
8. Realizing that you love somebody you've just taken for granted
9. Realizing that you love the person you've just broken up with
10. Waiting for promises you know he or she will never keep
11. Saying your love for someone who loves somebody else
12. Reminiscing the good times you shared together
13. Shielding your heart to love somebody
14. Trying to hide what you really feel
15. Having a commitment with someone that you know would not last
16. Trying to hide the tears that voluntarily fall from your eyes
17. Sharing the one you love with someone else
18. Loving a person too much
19. Giving up of someone you never thought of giving up
20. Falling in love for the first time
21. Loving someone you haven't seen
22. Having the right love at the wrong time
23. Exerting effort to make the relationship last or work
24. Not being appreciated when you know you've given your best
25. Taking the risk to fall in love again
26. Hiding your relationship from someone else
27. Controlling your feelings to avoid hurting a friend
28. Choosing between two persons whom you really love
29. Finding out that you can never have the person you just let go of
30. Seeing the person you love with someone else
31. Learning that the person who claimed to have loved you so much never really cared
32. Seeing the one you love fall for someone else
33. Falling for your best friend and knowing that things can never be the same again
34. Learning to trust after you have been betrayed
35. Accepting that it was not meant to be
36. Smiling when all you want to do is cry
37. Falling and knowing that it can never be
38. Not being able to love the person who truly cares for you
39. Saying that you can never love a person the way he or she loves you
40. Hearing that he or she can never love you the way that you love him or her
41. Saying that you are over someone you still love
42. Being friends again and learning to let go of each other because you both know it's better that way
43. Convincing yourself that you are not in love when you know that you are
44. Having to let go because you know that he or she deserves someone else
45. Trying not to remember how perfect everything used to be

Ended As Strangers

The next write-up, written on the 11th of August 2008 at around 10:25 p.m., was for someone named 'Choy'. This person used to be a very close friend but when we got tempted to indulge into a 'trial relationship' (at the time when both of our own relationships were on the rocks), sadly, the friendship ended. True to what they say, if you don't want to lose a friend, don't fall in love with them. And all the regrets I had when I came to the point of letting him go were poured down into this write-up. Having moved on, I could only remember all the lessons it taught me...


They always say be careful in letting someone go because you might regret it in the end. Well, perhaps they're right. Because now, I'm regretting why I did that single thing.

I thought then that that was the right thing to do especially that you've got your girl back and everything between us was very much complicated. So I chose to let go and give up my love for you. I knew firsthand that I was fighting a losing battle. I kept telling myself that I would move on and I would just give myself some time to adjust. I even told myself that I would soon love again...

But where am I now? I'm still stuck on the same ground that I am standing today. I haven't moved on... Stupid it may be, but I wish now that I haven't let go of what we had, regardless of how uncertain it may be. I wish I had the courage to hold on when things between us started to shake. But I was so weak. Perhaps because I was so afraid I'd get hurt again...

And yet, I haven't finished picking up my broken pieces. Everytime I try to fix it, there would always be a missing piece: You. Yes of course I've seen you countless of times with your girl and I do get hurt; but I realized I can endure those pains, as long as, somehow, you're still mine. But now you're gone. And I guess it'll stay that way forever. I regret everything, yes I do. But my greatest regret was when I let that single chance of telling you "I love you" slip away. I shouldn't have laughed about it. I should have admitted what I really felt...

But all's been said and done. I love you, but it would never change anything between us now. But if only it could, I would just like to let you know how much I would change Myself, the Relationship, and the End... I wish we'd never end up as what we are now: Strangers...

If It's Meant To Be

On the 4th of July 2009, at around 10:58 p.m., after contemplating with my feelings then for "Yan", I was able to make this short write-up that entails I was already in the point of Que sera, sera...

Yan,

You are and will always be the biggest part of my heart. I will never forget that once in my life, you became a special part of it. How I wish things were a lot different between us. How I wish things were less complicated. But I know God has a big purpose in everything that happened. So, I'm lifting all of these to Him. I may learn to love again... maybe more, or maybe less than the love I have for you.. who knows? But that love I had given you will remain yours. Nobody can take that away, ever. If we're meant to be, then in the end, we will be. But if not, then I'm confident I'll move on.

And from hereon, I'll be leaving everything to time and fate. Till then...

There Goes My Everything

This next blog was made on June 21, 2009, at exactly 9:35 p.m. I know I have intended to post blogs here according to the sequence of the dates they were written. But I decided to make an exception. These scribbled words at that time this blog was written were among my most special write-ups, since what it contained was what I thought my most cherished relationship. After reading its material, I guess you’d understand why at that time I considered this the most special amongst all the relationships I had, and the most painful yet… But now, things have changed. I've found the one I am looking for and I can only smile refreshing these in my memory. This is dedicated to someone I'll call YAN.. the one who taught me another essence of love, of loving not only through holding on, but on letting go and self-sacrifice…

“There goes my reason for living.. There goes the one of my dreams.. There goes my only possession.. There goes my everything..”

I have long heard of this song sang by Engelbert Humperdinck.. All those times my dad would sing this, I would laugh thinking how mushy the lyrics are.. But never in my wildest dreams have I thought that I would go through the exact lines of this song..

I can remember a time where I posted in Friendster’s Bulletin Board about going through the most painful thing I ever had in a relationship.. That my failed relationships before were incomparable to this one I had now.. But during that post, our ’standing’ is still vague..

But just last night, we had our final goodbye.. And it really ripped my heart of its capability to beat for some seconds.. I never thought I would have the chance to feel the exact definition of ‘excruciating pain’.. Even the tip of my toes could feel the pain.. I found it hard to breathe.. It’s not the fact that we’re through that makes it the most painful break-up ever.. Not even the fact that it was the most recent break-up I had.. But it’s because we have already tried all our best to save the relationship, but to no avail.. And what pretty sucks?.. There’s nothing wrong with the two of us.. We were pathetically like Romeo and Juliet..

We love each other; it is a given fact.. We both know it.. Those people who are close to us, know it.. But just like an old quote that says, “Some people are just not meant to be in your life, no matter how much you wanted them to be.”, certain things went far beyond our control.. The complexity at the start of our relationship reached to the point where he had no choice but to choose between ME and HER..

Don’t get me wrong.. I am confident it’s me he loves.. But what made him chose HER over me is because it is literally a matter of life and death.. He is not selfish and his conscience could not afford to cause someone’s death just for the sake of our happiness.. He told me we could wait for our time together; but he can not assure me when that time would be and it definitely wouldn’t be easy.. We would both suffer in the process.. And because he loves me, he deem it best that we should stop now because he wants me to be happy, even without him.. He may hurt me now, but he would choose to do so than see me suffering and hurting the more because we would both find it hard to let go since the feelings have rooted deeper.. And he wants me to remember that SHE may own him, but I am the one who owns his heart and that he will always love me.. He told me he can never find someone like me..

That was one of the sweetest things he ever told me; but it was also the most painful yet.. knowing that he loves me and I love him but we can’t do a thing about it.. We both know I may find love again in the future.. He knows I can find someone who can love me better than his love for me.. He wished me happiness forever, and I wished him back happiness with her.. I know they don’t get along well because of their differences but I sincerely told him I pray for their happiness.. I don’t want him to get hurt — regardless if his decision was wise or not — the same way he doesn’t want me to get hurt, except for this sole intention of self-sacrifice..

My cousin said it was me who won and not her; since I possess his heart.. It may be true, but this isn’t entirely a sweet victory.. It would have been a lot nicer to own his heart and, at the same time, waking up seeing him beside me.. But I guess we can’t always have the best of both worlds.. And that’s why I’ll have to content myself with the fact that it is me he loves, though it is HER he is with, from this moment on.. until time would move, and so will I..

“I will always remember you, and you will remember me, just as we will remember the evening, rain on the windows and all the things we will always have because we cannot possess them…”–BRIDA by Paulo Coelho

Our Christian Aim

During one of our church fellowships, our district leader asked if anyone of us can write about our Christian aim. One of our church elders then challenged me to write one. After much thought, I began scribbling down some words. Later in the afternoon, I brought that along with me to pass it to our district leader. But I guess he already forgot about that challenge, or I was already late, that my write-up never made its way to our pastor’s hands.

But then, I decided to keep it and now, posted it here with the fervent prayer that non-believers, and believers alike, would gain something about it, about what our real Christian aim really is. This was, by the way, written sometime on December 2007…

In the year 2007, what do we notice? New phase of technology, I’m sure that would be the most likely answer of everyone, right? But beyond these new inventions, what else do we notice? Are we not alarmed by the chaos and holocaust in this world? Televisions and newspapers report everyday different kinds of unwanted phenomena — be it natural or man-made. It is very down-heartening to hear thousands of people who died within a blink of an eye. That is a normal feeling of a human being. But as Christians, specifically, Seventh-Day Adventists, don’t we feel sorry thinking that there are numerous of those who died who do not know anything about Jesus?

The Bible says in Luke 21:25-26, “And there shall be signs in the sun, and in the moon, and in the stars; and upon the earth distress of nations, with perplexity; the sea and the waves roaring; (26) Men’s hearts failing them for fear, and for looking after those things which are coming on the earth: for the powers of heaven shall be shaken.” Therefore, these unpleasant things happening around us are lucid signs of Christ’s soon coming. As Christians, we no longer have to fear about these things. Instead, these things happen for us to be reminded about our ultimate aim in this world; and that is spreading the good news about Jesus Christ to those who hardly knew him. We do not have to think about the tedious tasks on how to do that for the Lord is always with us. Even if people or even friends may mock us for doing so, we should still feel honored that we know about the truth, and we were the victims of such cruelty and not the other way around.

In order to fulfill the aim as a member of the Seventh-Day Adventist Church, we should make our guideline Matthew 28:19-20 that says, “Go ye… therefore, and teach all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Ghost: (20) Teaching them to observe all things whatsoever I have commanded you: and, lo, I am with you alway, even unto the end of the world. Amen.”

A Second Once-In-A-Lifetime

After what has transpired during our session of my subject Humanities 11, where I had chosen the song If Ever You’re In My Arms Again during my presentation, I finally found the courage to write him a letter, pouring out my regrets and apologies. After all, it was my fault. I remembered having included the lyrics of the song If Ever You’re In My Arms Again, a poem I made for him which I entitled A Second Once-In-A-Lifetime, and a dead rose with a note: This is me without you. Funny thing is, three days after I have mailed my letter, I decided to call him up and we got together that same night. Four days after that call, exactly one week, he received my letter. And we were both laughing over the phone after he read to me the letter I’ve written for him. And I would never forget how he thanked me and appreciated what I did. But sadly, it seems that we’re not really meant for each other. Perhaps because of the distance, or because of the complexity things had been for us, we decided to call it quits on the 18th of December 2007… We’re still good friends up to this moment, though. This was written sometime on November 2007…

It was never my intention to disturb you in anything you’re doing right now. But I also have some important things to tell you.

Honestly, I thought about what happened between us, and I must admit it was entirely my fault. I can’t blame you for feeling or acting that way. I was stupid, childish, immature, and all other things you may call it. I became dominant because I thought you will never leave me no matter what I do. And now I realized that it was such a foolish idea. People get tired too.

I also realized now that I’ve lost you how much you and our relationship meant to me. I’ve realized that I just can’t make it on my own when I’ve already built dreams for us. I was used to walking alone and when you came, I no longer want to lose you and walk in that darkness alone… again.

Hon, you’ve changed a lot of things in me. This may sound like poetry but all these are true. I’ve been dead; and then you came and brought everything back to life — including my belief and faith in true love and happy endings. My whole life was a mess and I’ve been living in lies and pretensions, and the only truth there is that I should’ve known from the very beginning was the love you shared with me.

It is indeed an old cliche when I tell you I can’t afford to lose you, that I can’t go on without you, considering that we haven’t even shared something memorable together except all those bittersweet promises and sweet nothings. But, Honey, I believe I never lied to you and believe me, since that very day you became mine, I lived every single day of my life with incomparable happiness knowing that there’s someone who loves me and accepts me as me, no buts, no ifs.

That is why here I am, pouring out everything I’ve been holding back for so long. I know I didn’t trust you that much and I would really ask for an apology. I LOVE YOU SO MUCH HON and God knows how much I want you back. I know it would be a shame because I’m a girl and society doesn’t always accept that, but it would be a much bigger shame if I totally lost you just because I let my pride drag me into not doing it.

What we had was a once in a lifetime, I know. But I’m just hoping against hope that you’d give me a second once-in-a-lifetime. I promise you it would be totally different this time. I’ll change…

But if incase, heaven forbid, that the love we once had no longer nests in your heart, just let me know. Despite my fragile self, I’m still a soldier. I know when to fight and when to surrender…

If Ever You're In My Arms Again

This next blog was written when I was in third year college for a presentation in our subject Humanities 11. Our instructor asked us to present a song which meant something to us and have an explanation as to why we chose that particular song and the song must be written in an indigenous material. At that time also, I just recently broke up with someone so dear to me, someone I’ll just name Honey, since he used to call me that when we were still together. And so, I chose the song If Ever You’re In My Arms Again by Peabo Bryson. I remember having written that song in a torn banana leaf and put droplets of melted crayons in it to symbolize my tears. And the message I delivered in tears in front of my instructor and classmates is the one written below. Unluckily, I forgot the exact date this was written but it was sometime on November 2007…

I chose this song not because this is my most favorite song, but because it hits me right on this spot (pointing to heart).

I know these people here who know about my present situation would really understand why. But I’d like to relate this to everyone here though I know I’d get many reactions. Besides, nasa humanities tayo. We have all the rights to express our feelings and thoughts.

You see, just like the lyrics of this song, I met someone. It was so easy to love him because he accepted me and loved me though he knows everything about my past. I do believe we all have our share of skeletons in our closets, but I was grateful that I haven’t heard any judgement from him. I was dead inside, but he brought it back to life. But the thing is, I kept on doing something that would end us arguing. Perhaps it was because immaturity, pride, and cupidity dominated in me. I always say I trust him, but my actions speak otherwise. I would annoy him and quarrel with him with such petty reasons. In short, I wasn’t an ideal girlfriend with him. I used to open topics that shouldn’t be tackled, just like “break-ups”. Until such time that he grew tired of understanding me because little did i know, sinasakal ko na pala siya. I was already expecting him to act and be something that he’s not. And that’s not healthy for a relationship. We broke up; and just then that I realized how much he means to me. Until now, I’m hoping against hope na sana I’d be given a second chance to right my wrongs. You know what hurt the most? It’s when, after we broke up, he told me he loves me but he could no longer stand my attitude. And that became an eye-opener to me. I finally admitted that everything was entirely my fault. He showed me his love and fidelity, but I would give back doubts on him. I was used kasi na pinapaasa lang sa wala kaya I did not believe him. Until such time he told me sinasaktan ko siya whenever I would question his faithfulness. I had him, I had his love; but I just wasted it. I was given a once in a lifetime chance, but I let it go.

And now, I would like to give this advice to everyone: Value the people you’re with right now, especially if it’s pretty lucid that they love you and that you’re important to them. People are gifts from God, you know, but they are not gonna be with you forever. Sooner or later, God will call them home. So give time and care to those you love now, while they are still around. I know, many of these multi-faceted classmates of mine here will give reactions like “Ows?”, “Char!”; but believe me, there will come a time in our lives that we will fall face flat to the floor and usually, the only persons who will help us get back to our feet are the ones we take for granted, the ones we ignore. Remember, regret is always in the end. All the “could’ve” and “would’ve” won’t bring back what is already lost. And as I have read a quote it says, “Of all the words of tongue and pen, the most painful is, ‘It could have been…’”

Life is beautiful; but it’s magical if you share it with someone you love and loves you back in return. When you have that rare opportunity, grab it, hold on to it, and never, ever let it go; because sometimes, there are no next times, no rewinds, and no second chances. And I can attest to that because I learned it the hard way.

Untitled

Once upon a time in my life, I have longed for something that I knew from the very start would be too impossible to possess. Yet, I gave it my best shot hoping against hope that the tables may be turned; only to find out in the end how destiny can be so cruel sometimes. This is what this blog is all about. This was written last May 14, 2007 at exactly 10:29 a.m. when I finally decided it’s best to let go. And though I have used idiomatic expressions and situation in this one, it still conveyed my innermost feelings. At that time, I was still undecided as to what the appropriate title of my write-up so I just entitled it Untitled. But until now, I think I’ll still go for that one…

The wind got chiller as I readily approached the mountain. Funny how the wind can be so cold when it’s summertime. When I looked up, I graced lovingly at the tree standing so proud and tall amidst all the other trees. And on top of it, a lovely bird was singing with its melody so tempting. Seconds passed, I could no longer fight the urge of wanting to climb up there and make the bird mine.

The first few seconds of the climb was easy. But as I got higher, I found quite some difficult parts. The branches are too wide apart and I found it hard to reach out to them. But the desire of going up prevailed within me. I went up, up, as high as I could not minding the cuts I had on the way. I was happy envisaging myself at the top shouting to the world that finally, this beautiful bird is mine.

Then suddenly, there was nothing within my reach but a tiny twig. I doubted for a second if that twig would hold my weight and help me get to the top. I also pondered about all the lovely things I could possess upon reaching there. The battle inside me grew. I got scared. And then, images of long-ago defeats and losses flashed in my mind. These encouraged me to go on. I took the risk…

And you could only guess what happened next. There was a tiny crack and then I found myself falling down, down, down. But as gravity clasped me with its hands, I managed to reach out once more and held on to one available branch. There was a deep silence as I painfully hang on there. The blood oozing from my ears, the throbbing of my heart and in every vein of my body, the soreness of my every cut and bruise made me think for one moment that I should let go. But thinking of what might be down there and knowing that nothing’s gonna catch my fall only ablaze my fear of going down. Finding no resort, I cried for help though I know no one’s gonna hear me.

All of a sudden, the bird flew down and landed onto the same branch that I was holding. And with its voice so thick and rich, it spoke words that went like this:

“Child, I know how you wanted to have me. I saw all the hardships you had on your way to the top. And when you fell, I know that your heart got broken and your dreams were torn apart. But I want you to know that my heart got broken too and in every pain you felt, I felt it too. When I saw you holding on to this branch, I could only wish I could be yours to keep.

But child, I am meant to fly and soar in the sky. I know this may cause you enormous pain but that’s the truth. Open your eyes and let go. You no longer know what’s down there but don’t you think nothing’s gonna catch your fall. There will always be something or someone to catch your every fall. I tell you, I am not your greatest dream no matter how you think I am. You’re young, and life’s beautiful. Live it with decisions and actions that would hold you no regrets in the future. Goodbye child; and I hope that from now on, you’d be where you should be standing.”

His words strucked me like a double-edged sword but I realized, he was right. He was meant to soar high and the only thing I know I could do is to watch him and be happy with him. Smiling, I let go…

The next few moments were no longer vivid to me but I could never forget the contentment and the wonderful feeling I so-long wanted to experience. I know, up there, he is happily watching me and wishing with me that someday, I will find what I am truly looking for. Again, I felt the chilly winds embrace me; only to realize that the coldness comes from within me and not from the wind. It comes from my heart. And when my body finally touched the ground, I know that when I’ll wake up again, I’d be stronger and smarter.

Mi Utro Dolor De Corazon (My Second Heartache)

This next write-up is all about love the second time around. I remembered being able to write this one when I was given the topic Love The Second Time Around by one of our school paper advisers. At first, I thought about writing love is sweetest the second time around. But when I was halfway of my article, something changed my mind. It is already vague to me right now as to what that something is, but it compelled me to write the irony of loving the second time around. This was written last July 11, 2006 at 09:55 p.m. And the biggest irony of it, a year and five months later, it happened to me. And though I have already moved on, the scar still remains…

Agony? Hatred? Bitterness? Defeat?… No! No words can ever define the feeling of my broken heart, of my shattered dreams. It happened all of a sudden; like a gust of wind kissing the saw dust and glitters, leaving behind a trail of a crushed soul and broken promises. Without even a slight hint of hesitation, he turned his back and silently uttered a “goodbye”.

I asked myself, “What’s wrong with me? Have I not given enough of what I have to our relationship? Or have I given too much?” And then my mind put the blame on him. He could have told me. He could have at least prepared me that this is going to happen, that he’ll be leaving me behind soon. I wouldn’t have hoped. Yes, I wouldn’t have hoped for a happy ending between us. I could’ve spared myself from the hurt. I could’ve saved my pride. All “I could’ve” and “would’ve”…

It was hard for me to accept what was happening. I didn’t even know if I’d move on from that dark pit of sorrow. Everyday I’ve mourned for a vital part inside of me that I knew died the day he left me. Core-shattering pain almost took my sanity away. I even came to the point of ending it all.

But then, fate took a sudden turn. He came back! Yes, he came back with bended knees, asking for forgiveness for what he had done. And my heart, who refused to learn from my mistake, believed him. Who wouldn’t have, when tears are like a vast river welling from his eyes? When his spoken words are like a healing balm and an angel’s kiss to my ill heart? Yes, I decided to have a second chance with him, hoping that this time we might work it out right.

The first weeks of our relationship were among the most glorious days of my life! I felt like I’ve found an oasis in the middle of an endless desert. With just one look at him, my heart would swell with pride. And everytime he tells me those three magic words, my whole system would ache with an intense feeling I couldn’t put a name into. I felt as though any minute I would burst with so much happiness and love. And that if it was a dream, I wouldn’t dare wake up.

But reality slapped me again. Just when I thought there would be no end to all the happiness I felt, we have to set each other free not because there is no love but because we have to, for his sake and mine. Things went so complicated that we have no other choice but to both give up. It tore me into pieces when I finally said, “Let’s just be friends!” for I know deep in my heart, I’ve always wanted us to be more than that. But it killed me when after I have said my goodbyes to him, he softly said, “I love you!”

And again, I experienced being left behind wondering if this time, I would be able to pick up my broken pieces and put it back together after falling so hard flat on my face. He was my river of life, the anchor of my soul, and now that destiny finally took him away from me when we already held on tightly to each other, I felt there is no need for me to live. My heart got broken… again.

At the brink of desperation, I’ve come to realize that fairy tales do not happen in real life, they don’t come true. Happy endings written in the books will forever remain written. And that the phrase, “they lived happily ever after” will be just a phrase — worn-out, devoid of meaning, only used by people who want to believe in something that just exist at the back of their minds. Life is only lived once and there are no rewinds. So sometimes, it’s better not to have second chances hence, avoiding all false hopes. And now I ask you, “Who says love is sweeter the second time around?…”

Another Untold Story

This is another story I have written when I attended in the Tertiary Press Conference at Leyte Park Hotel, Tacloban City. Some of the parts here are the same with my precedent post, but I have created another situation with the old woman. Same emotions are conveyed here, focusing mainly on regret. And I guess, just like the first one, we can all relate to this…

There was once an old lady who stood by the sea, her eyes filled with loneliness as she stared at the endless horizon. A few seconds passed, she threw a large vial to the sea hoping someone might find it and read the story enclosed in it. Years passed, yet the vial remained floating into the wide and endless ocean. Soon, the old lady died unknowing if her vial was found or not.

Luckily, two years after her death, a young man found the vial stuck in his net. Moved by his curiosity, he opened it and started reading the story written in the thick, old pages. It went like this…

“My name is Maria. I am a barrio lass — a farmer’s daughter to be exact. Though at a young age, I had high ambitions: to become rich and get out from this poverty I am stucked in. I wanted to go to school then, but my parents couldn’t afford it since we were many in the family. I only reached grade six in elementary. Yes, I am an ignorant, a naive.

But just like a normal teenager, I fell in love with a barrio lad, just like me. I tried so hard to suppress that feeling for he will never be the answer to my miserable life. But as they say, you could fight love like hell for a lifetime, but you would never, ever win.

And so, we got together. Of course, I wouldn’t deny that I was so happy being with him. I temporarily forgot all about my ambitions. I felt contented just seeing him day by day. Nothing else mattered… until my younger sibling got sick. We had no money to pay for the hospital so we resorted to a quack doctor. Neither of us knew that the illness was serious. Days passed, my younger sibling died.

That was the time my ambition came flashing back in my mind. I said to myself, “If only I was rich, he would not die. I could have sent him to a hospital. The doctors could have saved him.” So I made a tough decision - perhaps the toughest decision in my life. With my beauty, I went with a friend to work in Japan. I became deaf with my parents’ pleadings not to go. I only thought of the swarming flies of poverty, ready to devour us. My heart was crushed when I finally bid goodbye to my boyfriend. He did try to stop me, especially upon learning that I was pregnant, but to no avail. I got rid of the child and his father. I left all of them for my ambition. I never even looked back. One mistake that changed my life forever…

Indeed, I became successful. I sent money to my family. I was able to give them a nice house, fabulous dresses, delicious foods; but I admit I wasn’t able to give them love and care. I got so busy that time came I almost lost communications with them. I never dared to go homefor fear of what I might see there.

But time came my beauty failed. I had no choice but to go back home. I was no longer of any use since my age grew and grew. Young ones came sprouting replacing us in the scene.

When I finally reached home, a lot of things have changed. Yes, I had money, but not peace. People talked behind my back. Most claimed I was a whore. This deeply hurt me. The worse was when I learned my boyfriend finally got married to another woman. Of course I didn’t expect him to stay single after so many years. But upon learning the truth straight from him, the intensity shocked me. There were countless nights when I would just sit and cry for the things I’ve done. I wanted to rue then, but what good would it bring? It would only push me to the dark pit of insecurity and self-pity. One day, I tried to move on and ignore the pain.

But the miseries went on. I hate to admit it, but I realized I was empty inside. I was jealous seeing my siblings having a family they could call their own. I wanted to have my own children, who will take care of me, but I let the chance slip right in my fingers. The only person I love, and the fruit of that love, is no longer mine.

Regretful as I was, I came up with this idea of writing my story hoping someone might find it and learn some lessons in it. Family and love are priceless things. Yes, money may give happiness but it would never last. I’m not saying one doesn’t need money; but I’m saying that sometimes, you just got to know your priorities. There are certain things that money can’t buy. It’s so hard to live alone. One must listen to that tiny voice in our hearts before making tough decisions. I do hope that young people will realize this fact before they make big mistakes in life. I pray that they wouldn’t fall flat to their faces, just like the way I did. Never let realization dawn on you when it’s already too late and there’s nothing you can do about it.”

The young man, with tears running down his cheeks, strucked and moved by the emotions the story brought, threw the vial back to the sea. He knew that many people still need to know her story. He hoped that for those who have read, and will soon read it, will remember the lessons in it by heart.

An Untold Story

This next blog is a fiction story about a woman who made a wrong decision and suffered the consequences all her life. I guess we can all relate to this, especially young people. The situations maybe different, but the thought of losing something and regretting it is very familiar to us. This story was written sometime on December 2005, when I attended a Tertiary Press Conference at Leyte Park Hotel, Tacloban City.

There was once an old lady who stood by the sea and threw a vial into it. She made a little wish that somehow, someone might be able to find that common vial that tells about the story of her life.

Years passed, yet the vial remained floating in the wide and lonely sea. Soon, the old lady died unknowing if her vial was found or not.

Luckily, after twenty years, a young man found it. Moved by his curiosity, he opened it and read the thick, old notes enclosed in it. The story started like this…

“I was once a beautiful and famous maiden. I was rich and many men from our place and the neighboring places came to court me. But none of them fit what I dreamt. I long for that one thing I do believe would make my life complete: Love…

Rich as I was, I wandered off searching for that precious thing. I’ve met different people from different places, of different races. I’ve dated thousands of them yet, I still haven’t found the one.

Years passed, I lost my riches. I became a beggar, wandering off the streets, asking for alms from those people I once considered friends. No one ever suspected that I was a proud and beautiful maiden before. My body is almost covered with mud and I’ve experienced sleeping with the pigs.

Someone found me and maybe, took pity of me, so he took me to his home. He gave me new clothes, food, and a shelter to live in. At that time, I didn’t know that it happened because fate is gonna teach me how to find true love…and lose it.

Because I was already dressed with fine clothes, my beauty regained. And because of that beauty, the man who found me desired me. He took the chance that we were alone in the house, and raped me. Yes, I was brutally raped by a devil incarnate into man!

Months passed, I learned I was pregnant — pregnant with the baby I thought was a fruit of evil. Hatred grew more and more inside of me that it blinded my mind, and my heart. Without hesitations, I went to a quack doctor and had my baby aborted. I didn’t know that what I did was wrong. No one ever told me that God would be disappointed with what I had done.

After that incident, I ran away. I thought that I would be happy now that my “burden” is gone. But as the days passed, I felt my heart was empty and that a big part of me was taken. There were countless nights when I would wake up thinking I heard a baby cry. There came a little voice telling me something but I ignored it… Until I woke up one day and realized I lost in this game life let me played. I lost the very reason why I came up with all these miseries. I lost my baby and the chance to have found that love and joy he was supposed to bring to my life. I was blinded by my fury that I didn’t think the baby had nothing to do with the sin of his father. I cried, I yelled, and almost committed suicide. Had I known it, I wouldn’t be left here alone. And I would not be destined to die without being called a mother.

Now, with all the things that had come and gone with my life, I learned a lot of things. I learned that some things come to your life because of a reason. And that some of them may seem ugly in the beginning but those are the very things that shall give you a lifetime happiness. I’ve learned so many lessons but sadly, I learned it the hard way.

So I came up with this idea to write about my life. I want to share with others the mistakes I had done… and rued. I want them to know, especially to the women, how hard it is to live life alone. I want them to learn to listen to that little voice in their hearts especially in making tough decisions.”

The man, his eyes filled with tears, threw the vial back to the sea knowing that many people still need to read about her story. He hoped that those who have and will read it, will put her words to their hearts.

True Love Conquers All

Apart from love letters, I was also able to write past experiences not only from yours truly but also from people whom I treasure. This next blog is about my view of the marriage of my parents. This was written last November 18, 2004. Here, I clearly stated what had really took place prior and during their wedding, two years before I was even born. The details were given to me from my very own mother.

Almost all brides dreamt of walking down the aisle and seeing the man they love waiting at the altar, exchanging their “I Do’s” infront of a minister, witnesses, and most especially, infront of God, and having their reception in either a simple or elegant way.

But my parent’s wedding was way too different. No one in this world, I guess, had ever experienced or imagined the kind of wedding they had.

It was on the summer of 1985 when my mom and dad first laid their eyes to each other during an association. My mom had a boyfriend back then while my dad was, oh well, had flings here and there. But as the days passed and they got closer and have known each other, they realized there is a strong chemistry between them. Good thing was, at that time, my mom already broke up with her boyfriend so my dad had the guts to court her, considering he seldom fall in love. That was November that same year. And unknowingly, my mom was some kind of the romantic type and by the fact that she loved dad too, she gave her big YES on February 14, 1986, Valentine’s Day!

But things didn’t run smooth as what they prayed for. When my maternal grandpa knew about it, he tried everything under his sole power to stop their relationship. He didn’t like my father because for him, dad is still a stranger and no one knows if he’s still single or not, and he likes somebody else for my mom. There was even a time when they all gathered in the living room with all the neighbors and did some sort of a hearing. Whoever speaks without permission will be whipped by a so-called “garote”. According to my mom, that was one of the most humiliating days of her life.

My father wanted to fight but upon knowing that they might have no chance at all, he went to Ormoc and decided to give up the hope that they would soon start a future together. My mom was also forced to go to Cebu and will stay at her older sister’s house. At that time, one has to go to Ormoc City first to ride a ship towards Cebu so my mom went to Ormoc as well, neither of them knowing what awaits for them there. But as they say, love works in mysterious ways. When my dad was so lonely that he decided to pass the hours at Ormoc pier, he happened to take a glimpse of my mom walking towards the pier. Blame it on destiny or sheer luck, they were able to spend a few hours together with the love burning silently in their hearts, pursuing them to indulge into a wedding on their own. It was more or less April 1986 at that time.

But unfortunately, my mom’s age was still under parent’s consent and someone suggested my dad should be verified if he’s still really single way back in Zamboanga City, his hometown. So, they waited for 120 days before the authorities allowed them to be married.

Finally, they were wed on the 4th of September 1986. Nothing extra ordinaire huh? Wrong! For after a judge married them, they bathe on the sea and ate bananas and guavas instead of having a reception some had expected.

Looking back, my mom often said that it was the most unforgettable moment of her life. When asked if she could turn back time would she still do the same, she would’ve wanted a rather different setting; but so long as dad would be her groom, she would willingly repeat what she had done without any hesitations. She had no regrets with all the hardships they encountered eventhough what happened seemed to be a whirlwind romance. My dad use to make fun of it now but it is undeniable that everytime he looks at mom, there is still that same glow they both possessed from the very moment they first laid eyes to each other. It is the kind of glow that you know will keep on burning even if both their hairs have turned all gray. It was crystal clear that their love strengthened when they both believed and fought for it. True love really conquers all and my parents’ undying devotion to each other and their happy married life is a living witness to it.

Goodbye For Now

After moving on with Mr. Kramphilla, there’s this one guy I’ve gone gaga about. (haha!) Looking back now, I could say it was more of an infatuation. But nevertheless, I decided to put here what I have written for him when I have decided to forget him; plainly because I was touched reading it and knowing I have written such words at a young age, short it may be.

This one is for someone I named Mr. George Phyll Randal. If you have noticed, I have used nicknames ever since. That is because I don’t want my cover to be blown. As I have said in my first blog, some of these letters just went into my shoeboxes and never had the chance to be read. Again, I forgot the exact date this was written but if my memory serves me right, I guess this was written sometime on January 2004.

George Phyll Randal,

I love you but time didn’t allow us to realize and develop that feeling until it’s too late. I’m having a new relationship but it doesn’t mean that I don’t love you anymore. If only I know where I stand and if I have a special place in your heart, then I would gladly wait for the right time even if it takes forever. But I don’t know who I am to you and if I meant something in your life. So goodbye for now… And I’m sorry if I can no longer wait. But I love you, remember that.

Moving On

I started with the letter I made thirteen days after our break up and now, I am writing here the letter I made when I finally decided to move on… Again, this is for Mr. Kramphilla or Mr. Penshoppe and my pen name is still Ms. Bitterly Odd. I just forgot the exact date this was written but I believe it was sometime on December 2002…

Kramphilla or Mr. Penshoppe,

There was a time in my life when I have grown to love you so much. But sadly, it had to end… We both live in two different worlds and no matter how we try, these worlds would never meet. And though it hurts, I just gotta move on. I never had the chance to say this to you but I am grateful for the times I spent with you, regardless of how short those times were. Thank you for all the memories. It really taught me a lot. I know you’re happy with who you have right now. I just wish you all the best.

P. S.

I still love you so much.

Lovelots,

Ms. Bittely Odd

It All Starts Here

For quite sometime I was deciding as to what my blogs would contain and finally, I have decided to post carefully-selected write-ups that talks about my innermost feelings — some of them have been read, others went hidden in shoeboxes.

I only am hoping for unoffensive comments. All you readers are free to write your thoughts about my write-ups so long as they are not destructive.

Well, I think I am gonna start to the time when I first had a serious relationship. Unfortunately, not all firsts really last. This one is for someone I named Mr. Kramphilla or Mr. Penshoppe and was written thirteen days after we broke up. My pen name then was Ms. Bitterly Odd. Enjoy reading…

September 19, 2002

Kramphilla or Mr. Penshoppe,

I just want you to know that I still love you, that I still wish that we’re still together, that the biggest regret of my life is the instance that I let you go eventhough you can be mine.

I just can’t forget the moments that we shared together. Those simple walks that you simply hold my hand. Then suddenly, you kissed me on my lips. What sweet moments! But they will never come back. How I wished I was true to myself then. I hope I didn’t mind the implications if we’re really meant for each other. The problem is, I love you! I don’t want you to be part of my wild world.

But then, it really hurts. Until now, I still feel the pain of losing you. Oftentimes, I still think, what if we’re still together? Maybe we are both very happy. Maybe I’ll have that pleasant feeling. But you’re already gone… But just incase that it’s still possible for us to be together again, I promise, this time I’ll love you much better and I’ll fight for you, come what may!

Lovelots,

Ms. Bitterly Odd