There Goes My Everything

This next blog was made on June 21, 2009, at exactly 9:35 p.m. I know I have intended to post blogs here according to the sequence of the dates they were written. But I decided to make an exception. These scribbled words at that time this blog was written were among my most special write-ups, since what it contained was what I thought my most cherished relationship. After reading its material, I guess you’d understand why at that time I considered this the most special amongst all the relationships I had, and the most painful yet… But now, things have changed. I've found the one I am looking for and I can only smile refreshing these in my memory. This is dedicated to someone I'll call YAN.. the one who taught me another essence of love, of loving not only through holding on, but on letting go and self-sacrifice…

“There goes my reason for living.. There goes the one of my dreams.. There goes my only possession.. There goes my everything..”

I have long heard of this song sang by Engelbert Humperdinck.. All those times my dad would sing this, I would laugh thinking how mushy the lyrics are.. But never in my wildest dreams have I thought that I would go through the exact lines of this song..

I can remember a time where I posted in Friendster’s Bulletin Board about going through the most painful thing I ever had in a relationship.. That my failed relationships before were incomparable to this one I had now.. But during that post, our ’standing’ is still vague..

But just last night, we had our final goodbye.. And it really ripped my heart of its capability to beat for some seconds.. I never thought I would have the chance to feel the exact definition of ‘excruciating pain’.. Even the tip of my toes could feel the pain.. I found it hard to breathe.. It’s not the fact that we’re through that makes it the most painful break-up ever.. Not even the fact that it was the most recent break-up I had.. But it’s because we have already tried all our best to save the relationship, but to no avail.. And what pretty sucks?.. There’s nothing wrong with the two of us.. We were pathetically like Romeo and Juliet..

We love each other; it is a given fact.. We both know it.. Those people who are close to us, know it.. But just like an old quote that says, “Some people are just not meant to be in your life, no matter how much you wanted them to be.”, certain things went far beyond our control.. The complexity at the start of our relationship reached to the point where he had no choice but to choose between ME and HER..

Don’t get me wrong.. I am confident it’s me he loves.. But what made him chose HER over me is because it is literally a matter of life and death.. He is not selfish and his conscience could not afford to cause someone’s death just for the sake of our happiness.. He told me we could wait for our time together; but he can not assure me when that time would be and it definitely wouldn’t be easy.. We would both suffer in the process.. And because he loves me, he deem it best that we should stop now because he wants me to be happy, even without him.. He may hurt me now, but he would choose to do so than see me suffering and hurting the more because we would both find it hard to let go since the feelings have rooted deeper.. And he wants me to remember that SHE may own him, but I am the one who owns his heart and that he will always love me.. He told me he can never find someone like me..

That was one of the sweetest things he ever told me; but it was also the most painful yet.. knowing that he loves me and I love him but we can’t do a thing about it.. We both know I may find love again in the future.. He knows I can find someone who can love me better than his love for me.. He wished me happiness forever, and I wished him back happiness with her.. I know they don’t get along well because of their differences but I sincerely told him I pray for their happiness.. I don’t want him to get hurt — regardless if his decision was wise or not — the same way he doesn’t want me to get hurt, except for this sole intention of self-sacrifice..

My cousin said it was me who won and not her; since I possess his heart.. It may be true, but this isn’t entirely a sweet victory.. It would have been a lot nicer to own his heart and, at the same time, waking up seeing him beside me.. But I guess we can’t always have the best of both worlds.. And that’s why I’ll have to content myself with the fact that it is me he loves, though it is HER he is with, from this moment on.. until time would move, and so will I..

“I will always remember you, and you will remember me, just as we will remember the evening, rain on the windows and all the things we will always have because we cannot possess them…”–BRIDA by Paulo Coelho