Untitled

Once upon a time in my life, I have longed for something that I knew from the very start would be too impossible to possess. Yet, I gave it my best shot hoping against hope that the tables may be turned; only to find out in the end how destiny can be so cruel sometimes. This is what this blog is all about. This was written last May 14, 2007 at exactly 10:29 a.m. when I finally decided it’s best to let go. And though I have used idiomatic expressions and situation in this one, it still conveyed my innermost feelings. At that time, I was still undecided as to what the appropriate title of my write-up so I just entitled it Untitled. But until now, I think I’ll still go for that one…

The wind got chiller as I readily approached the mountain. Funny how the wind can be so cold when it’s summertime. When I looked up, I graced lovingly at the tree standing so proud and tall amidst all the other trees. And on top of it, a lovely bird was singing with its melody so tempting. Seconds passed, I could no longer fight the urge of wanting to climb up there and make the bird mine.

The first few seconds of the climb was easy. But as I got higher, I found quite some difficult parts. The branches are too wide apart and I found it hard to reach out to them. But the desire of going up prevailed within me. I went up, up, as high as I could not minding the cuts I had on the way. I was happy envisaging myself at the top shouting to the world that finally, this beautiful bird is mine.

Then suddenly, there was nothing within my reach but a tiny twig. I doubted for a second if that twig would hold my weight and help me get to the top. I also pondered about all the lovely things I could possess upon reaching there. The battle inside me grew. I got scared. And then, images of long-ago defeats and losses flashed in my mind. These encouraged me to go on. I took the risk…

And you could only guess what happened next. There was a tiny crack and then I found myself falling down, down, down. But as gravity clasped me with its hands, I managed to reach out once more and held on to one available branch. There was a deep silence as I painfully hang on there. The blood oozing from my ears, the throbbing of my heart and in every vein of my body, the soreness of my every cut and bruise made me think for one moment that I should let go. But thinking of what might be down there and knowing that nothing’s gonna catch my fall only ablaze my fear of going down. Finding no resort, I cried for help though I know no one’s gonna hear me.

All of a sudden, the bird flew down and landed onto the same branch that I was holding. And with its voice so thick and rich, it spoke words that went like this:

“Child, I know how you wanted to have me. I saw all the hardships you had on your way to the top. And when you fell, I know that your heart got broken and your dreams were torn apart. But I want you to know that my heart got broken too and in every pain you felt, I felt it too. When I saw you holding on to this branch, I could only wish I could be yours to keep.

But child, I am meant to fly and soar in the sky. I know this may cause you enormous pain but that’s the truth. Open your eyes and let go. You no longer know what’s down there but don’t you think nothing’s gonna catch your fall. There will always be something or someone to catch your every fall. I tell you, I am not your greatest dream no matter how you think I am. You’re young, and life’s beautiful. Live it with decisions and actions that would hold you no regrets in the future. Goodbye child; and I hope that from now on, you’d be where you should be standing.”

His words strucked me like a double-edged sword but I realized, he was right. He was meant to soar high and the only thing I know I could do is to watch him and be happy with him. Smiling, I let go…

The next few moments were no longer vivid to me but I could never forget the contentment and the wonderful feeling I so-long wanted to experience. I know, up there, he is happily watching me and wishing with me that someday, I will find what I am truly looking for. Again, I felt the chilly winds embrace me; only to realize that the coldness comes from within me and not from the wind. It comes from my heart. And when my body finally touched the ground, I know that when I’ll wake up again, I’d be stronger and smarter.