This next write-up is all about love the second time around. I remembered being able to write this one when I was given the topic Love The Second Time Around by one of our school paper advisers. At first, I thought about writing love is sweetest the second time around. But when I was halfway of my article, something changed my mind. It is already vague to me right now as to what that something is, but it compelled me to write the irony of loving the second time around. This was written last July 11, 2006 at 09:55 p.m. And the biggest irony of it, a year and five months later, it happened to me. And though I have already moved on, the scar still remains…
Agony? Hatred? Bitterness? Defeat?… No! No words can ever define the feeling of my broken heart, of my shattered dreams. It happened all of a sudden; like a gust of wind kissing the saw dust and glitters, leaving behind a trail of a crushed soul and broken promises. Without even a slight hint of hesitation, he turned his back and silently uttered a “goodbye”.
I asked myself, “What’s wrong with me? Have I not given enough of what I have to our relationship? Or have I given too much?” And then my mind put the blame on him. He could have told me. He could have at least prepared me that this is going to happen, that he’ll be leaving me behind soon. I wouldn’t have hoped. Yes, I wouldn’t have hoped for a happy ending between us. I could’ve spared myself from the hurt. I could’ve saved my pride. All “I could’ve” and “would’ve”…
It was hard for me to accept what was happening. I didn’t even know if I’d move on from that dark pit of sorrow. Everyday I’ve mourned for a vital part inside of me that I knew died the day he left me. Core-shattering pain almost took my sanity away. I even came to the point of ending it all.
But then, fate took a sudden turn. He came back! Yes, he came back with bended knees, asking for forgiveness for what he had done. And my heart, who refused to learn from my mistake, believed him. Who wouldn’t have, when tears are like a vast river welling from his eyes? When his spoken words are like a healing balm and an angel’s kiss to my ill heart? Yes, I decided to have a second chance with him, hoping that this time we might work it out right.
The first weeks of our relationship were among the most glorious days of my life! I felt like I’ve found an oasis in the middle of an endless desert. With just one look at him, my heart would swell with pride. And everytime he tells me those three magic words, my whole system would ache with an intense feeling I couldn’t put a name into. I felt as though any minute I would burst with so much happiness and love. And that if it was a dream, I wouldn’t dare wake up.
But reality slapped me again. Just when I thought there would be no end to all the happiness I felt, we have to set each other free not because there is no love but because we have to, for his sake and mine. Things went so complicated that we have no other choice but to both give up. It tore me into pieces when I finally said, “Let’s just be friends!” for I know deep in my heart, I’ve always wanted us to be more than that. But it killed me when after I have said my goodbyes to him, he softly said, “I love you!”
And again, I experienced being left behind wondering if this time, I would be able to pick up my broken pieces and put it back together after falling so hard flat on my face. He was my river of life, the anchor of my soul, and now that destiny finally took him away from me when we already held on tightly to each other, I felt there is no need for me to live. My heart got broken… again.
At the brink of desperation, I’ve come to realize that fairy tales do not happen in real life, they don’t come true. Happy endings written in the books will forever remain written. And that the phrase, “they lived happily ever after” will be just a phrase — worn-out, devoid of meaning, only used by people who want to believe in something that just exist at the back of their minds. Life is only lived once and there are no rewinds. So sometimes, it’s better not to have second chances hence, avoiding all false hopes. And now I ask you, “Who says love is sweeter the second time around?…”
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