Not so very long ago, my mom and I seemed to be in two different worlds that every now and then would clash leaving behind scars so deep it took years to fade. Both pride dominated, we had a very hard time understanding each other. I made my share of mistakes, she made hers. I even came to the point of rebellion... But now, things have mellowed and I guess, time started healing the wounds and the scars brought about by the past. Although there were still indifferences, but we tried our best to work on it. After all, family is eternal.
This next blog was written on December 30, 2007 at 12:35 a.m. when I was still on the period of my rebellion. All the hurts and hatred, the disappointment and frustrations, all the blames were poured down here. Strong words were used to justify the emotion it contained.
"Am I that hard to love and understand?" - a question that just keeps on reverberating in my mind. You see, I once had a very happy childhood. We were a picture of a happy family. Of course, there were trying times but we outwitted all of them with smiling faces. Until one man entered the scene and messed up not only our relationship as a family, but my entire life as well...
When I first met Mr. Long-Forgotten Past (his real name I couldn't bear to speak), I thought he was simply perfect for me. I was blinded by, at that time, what I called "love". But as I got to know him, and when I started to open my eyes, I saw the demon hidden beneath the facet of a soft-spoken and kind-hearted man. Trying to get rid of his dangerous claws that were already clasping me with a grip that won't even allow me to breath, I broke up with the relationship that I now considered a prison cell.
I thought that that was the end of all my agonies; only to be shackled by what he could possibly do just to win me back. I don't know how he did it, but he got my mother into a conspiracy of finding ways for me to get back to him. He explained it was just because of "love"; but I'd prefer to call it "obsession". And the person I once considered my "bestest (if ever that word exists) best friend" now became my worst enemy - my mother. I pleaded her not to meddle with my feelings, but she remained deaf. When I fell in love with someone else and was willing to fight for that love, she interfered until we have no other choice left but to give up. I defended myself and aired out my grievances but the only person she would listen to was the demon she was working with!
Furious by all these things, I rebelled! I threw away my image of a sweet, innocent gal. I went to different discos and parties, drank insatiably until my knees felt like jellies, cursed and fought with whomever I want to, and dated several men that I know she would surely detest. I even came to the point of neglecting my studies and made several suicidal attempts. And whenever she would send someone to scold me or force me to be with the person that I no longer love, only ablaze my rage and determination to do whatever it is that she doesn't want me to do.
Everyday, I wore a mask and pretended that I am unaffected by all the issues she was throwing against me. Imagine, my own mom humiliating and criticizing me to so many people?! Saying straight to my face that the only person I'm bound to be with for the rest of my life is that long-forgotten past! Her words stabbed me like a newly-bought knife, over and over again, but did I ever show her I was weak? No! I wouldn't give her the satisfaction of seeing me affected as the end-result of everything. Only my pillows, the ceiling, and the walls of the comfort room know everything. Only these things saw the tears I've been hiding from so many people, and the sobs I so-long suppressed. I'm human, after all.
But one day, I got so tired that it made me numb. She had done everything, every possible way that would ruin me and make me crawl back to whom she wants me to be. She even poisoned my younger siblings' mind and turned them against me; and, much to my dismay, won the sympathy of countless people who never got the chance to hear my side of the story but deliberately threw their judgments at me. I wanted to yell to their faces the real truth but before I could even utter a word, they would stare at me and say, "You really are promiscuous!" How could I ever prove to them that I am not what my mother have been telling them if they won't even give me a single chance?! I'm different! But damn, these words remained unspoken...
Until this very day, I'm still acting numb. All the "why's" I kept at the back of my mind. I guess I got used to all her criticisms and weird actuation. I already taught myself to see her as a stranger and not my own mother; for that person died the very day she conspired with that devil incarnate into man. I guess I'm just too fed up that I can no longer find it in my heart to forgive both of them.
But as I recall the good times we once had, I would feel emotionally torn apart, from head to toe, as bullets of tears silently run down my face, stinging the every existence of my body. How I wish and what I would give just for those memories to remain as they were - untainted. But now, with tears choking me up, passing for my breath trying to keep it all in only to realize that I can't! I can't hold it and I can't hide no more! With the past haunting me and the future circling around me, with its uncertainties dizzying me, all I want is for her to hear my desperate cry. Am I that hard to love and understand?! Why did you change right before my very eyes and became someone I no longer knew?! Why did you leave me and turned your back on me when I needed you most?!...
This next blog was written on December 30, 2007 at 12:35 a.m. when I was still on the period of my rebellion. All the hurts and hatred, the disappointment and frustrations, all the blames were poured down here. Strong words were used to justify the emotion it contained.
"Am I that hard to love and understand?" - a question that just keeps on reverberating in my mind. You see, I once had a very happy childhood. We were a picture of a happy family. Of course, there were trying times but we outwitted all of them with smiling faces. Until one man entered the scene and messed up not only our relationship as a family, but my entire life as well...
When I first met Mr. Long-Forgotten Past (his real name I couldn't bear to speak), I thought he was simply perfect for me. I was blinded by, at that time, what I called "love". But as I got to know him, and when I started to open my eyes, I saw the demon hidden beneath the facet of a soft-spoken and kind-hearted man. Trying to get rid of his dangerous claws that were already clasping me with a grip that won't even allow me to breath, I broke up with the relationship that I now considered a prison cell.
I thought that that was the end of all my agonies; only to be shackled by what he could possibly do just to win me back. I don't know how he did it, but he got my mother into a conspiracy of finding ways for me to get back to him. He explained it was just because of "love"; but I'd prefer to call it "obsession". And the person I once considered my "bestest (if ever that word exists) best friend" now became my worst enemy - my mother. I pleaded her not to meddle with my feelings, but she remained deaf. When I fell in love with someone else and was willing to fight for that love, she interfered until we have no other choice left but to give up. I defended myself and aired out my grievances but the only person she would listen to was the demon she was working with!
Furious by all these things, I rebelled! I threw away my image of a sweet, innocent gal. I went to different discos and parties, drank insatiably until my knees felt like jellies, cursed and fought with whomever I want to, and dated several men that I know she would surely detest. I even came to the point of neglecting my studies and made several suicidal attempts. And whenever she would send someone to scold me or force me to be with the person that I no longer love, only ablaze my rage and determination to do whatever it is that she doesn't want me to do.
Everyday, I wore a mask and pretended that I am unaffected by all the issues she was throwing against me. Imagine, my own mom humiliating and criticizing me to so many people?! Saying straight to my face that the only person I'm bound to be with for the rest of my life is that long-forgotten past! Her words stabbed me like a newly-bought knife, over and over again, but did I ever show her I was weak? No! I wouldn't give her the satisfaction of seeing me affected as the end-result of everything. Only my pillows, the ceiling, and the walls of the comfort room know everything. Only these things saw the tears I've been hiding from so many people, and the sobs I so-long suppressed. I'm human, after all.
But one day, I got so tired that it made me numb. She had done everything, every possible way that would ruin me and make me crawl back to whom she wants me to be. She even poisoned my younger siblings' mind and turned them against me; and, much to my dismay, won the sympathy of countless people who never got the chance to hear my side of the story but deliberately threw their judgments at me. I wanted to yell to their faces the real truth but before I could even utter a word, they would stare at me and say, "You really are promiscuous!" How could I ever prove to them that I am not what my mother have been telling them if they won't even give me a single chance?! I'm different! But damn, these words remained unspoken...
Until this very day, I'm still acting numb. All the "why's" I kept at the back of my mind. I guess I got used to all her criticisms and weird actuation. I already taught myself to see her as a stranger and not my own mother; for that person died the very day she conspired with that devil incarnate into man. I guess I'm just too fed up that I can no longer find it in my heart to forgive both of them.
But as I recall the good times we once had, I would feel emotionally torn apart, from head to toe, as bullets of tears silently run down my face, stinging the every existence of my body. How I wish and what I would give just for those memories to remain as they were - untainted. But now, with tears choking me up, passing for my breath trying to keep it all in only to realize that I can't! I can't hold it and I can't hide no more! With the past haunting me and the future circling around me, with its uncertainties dizzying me, all I want is for her to hear my desperate cry. Am I that hard to love and understand?! Why did you change right before my very eyes and became someone I no longer knew?! Why did you leave me and turned your back on me when I needed you most?!...
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